I'd Rather Go It Alone: The Stigma Around Suicide

September marks Suicide Awareness and Prevention Month

Photo by Christopher Sardegna on Unsplash

“Once you tell people, everything changes. You can’t just say it,” my partner Alex warned me when I asked him why he wouldn’t let people know about his struggles with suicidal ideation and consequently, provide him with the support to overcome his dark thoughts. At the time, I couldn’t understand his viewpoint. Alex was so cherished by everyone. So why would he choose to go through something like this alone? I would have given anything for us to have a support system around us because I didn’t know anymore how much longer I could keep him alive all by myself. Unfortunately, the world had entered a lockdown due to the COVID-19 pandemic, drastically limiting my opportunities to meet many of his friends, and even his family, in person, and strongly reinforcing his chosen emotional isolation with physical isolation.

Alex was terrified of anyone knowing, of his secret being out in the open. Because once you say it, you can’t take it back, and it can permanently alter relationship dynamics with those around you. How could he ever face those who looked up to him? And what if his customers found out? There was deep shame in the possibility of being treated differently and being perceived as weak, and even as “less than others.” As crazy as it sounds, the stigma around suicide is so strong that suffering in silence and isolation becomes the most appealing option.

But there’s more to it. Opening up to someone comes with the risk of being met with eyes full of disconcertment and apathy. If the other person can’t relate to what you are sharing or hold space for an experience that feels foreign to them, you might leave the exchange feeling even more disconnected. The prospect of reaching out for help and not receiving the understanding and support you need can be painful enough to discourage someone from asking for help altogether. Sometimes it’s more than a prospect. Sometimes it’s based on previous experiences. They asked for help and were left feeling judged and dismissed. Again, suffering in silence and isolation becomes the best option, or the only option, followed by a mindset of “I’d rather go it alone.” The result is that people who are struggling with suicidal thoughts become extremely good at concealing their inner turmoil, appearing “normal” to those around them. A month before his death, Alex had days where he looked like the happiest man alive. The truth is that at that point we had exhausted all avenues of support. We asked healthcare professionals for help loud and clear, but nothing happened. We both knew help was not on the way. In the end, we were holding on to hope and running away from death.

How can there be such a strong stigma around suicide when the numbers show that it’s a widely spread issue? I search online for the latest figures and I can’t believe my eyes:

• In Canada, where I’m located, approximately 12 people die by suicide each day and 4,500 per year, becoming the second leading cause of death in the 15-34 age range.¹

• In the United States, 49,476 Americans died by suicide in 2022, becoming the 11th leading cause of death in the country overall; in the same year, suicide attempts reached 1.6 million.²

• According to the World Health Organization, more than 720,000 people die by suicide every year, becoming the third leading cause of death in the 15-29 age range.

Suicide discriminates no one and yet, we still stigmatize it. I have more to say on this point, but I’ll elaborate on it in my next post. For now, know that as cliché as it sounds, it gets easier the moment you start talking. Don’t feel ashamed, you are not the only one struggling with suicidal thoughts. The numbers don’t lie. Suicide is more common than we allow ourselves to admit. But choose wisely with whom you decide to open up. If you are left feeling judged or dismissed, then that’s not the place to drop your armor. Don’t shut down if that happens. Keep reaching out. There are people out there capable of supporting you in the way you need. It might be a friend, a counselor, or a stranger that you meet in a support group.

I come with the heavy story of losing my partner to suicide together with many aggravating factors that are too long and complex to explain here. In the past few years, I had to learn who I could share my experience with. It came with disappointments and intense feelings of disconnection but I don’t really blame anyone who couldn’t meet me where I was at. We don’t always have the tools to support someone and sometimes, we are simply not on the same wavelength. Other times, it was me. I didn’t have the language or the energy to express what I was feeling. The reality is that timing and experiences draw us closer and apart from people as we move through life. With some friends, I feel comfortable enough to share little bits and pieces. With others, I don’t bother anymore. And then I’m fortunate to have a counselor with whom I can safely share all the dark thoughts in my mind.  

Imagine if we could create an environment where suffering in silence and isolation becomes the least attractive option. It starts with recognizing that suffering and pain are at the core of the human experience. Struggling doesn’t make you weak. It makes you human.

1. Statistics Canada. Canadian Vital Statistics - Death Database. 2017-2019. Released in January, 2022.

2. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention Data & Statistics Fatal Injury Report for 2022, retrieved May 11, 2024.